In the Dark
by Mr. Fishy
Summary: Silence is ringing loudly in my ears. I want to throw up. And you're not here.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Readers, this is a Lily/Jackson story. My beloved Oliver/Lily I'm sorry. I would not read this if you love good old Ollie. Partly because he's "gone" in this story. It's a slow moving Lily/Jackson. I will be updating _Sailboats _soon. I just got this idea and had to get it all out before I forgot it.

…..

_Ashes to ashes dust to dust…_

I'm wearing high heel shoes. This dress is too tight and I hate my hair. People I've never seen before are here talking like they know you. I can't breathe. Where are you? I'm cold and I can't find the bar.

I hate this, I _hate _this! People keep talking about you in past tense. Why are they doing this? You're Aunt Elsie keeps calling me Millie. Do I even look like a Millie?! Someone is wearing a very strong perfume and it stings my eyes.

I can't breathe.

Miley is standing in the corner. Jake has his arm around her and for a minute I hate them. And I hate her for being so upset when she didn't even know you like I did… _Oh God, _I can't do this alone. There's a lump in my throat and there's too many people here. I hate crowds. You know how much I hate being in crowds.

Why is everyone wearing black? It's all like we all mesh together in this dark blob of depression. Everyone keeps talking in low murmurs. And when I walk by they give me this sympathetic look and smile. I hate that. Someone is putting their hand on my shoulder.

I flinch and turn away. I don't want to be touched or smiled at or pity. I want everyone to leave! …It's raining outside. Our car is parked in the driveway. I miss your smell. What was it again? …Coffee, you smelt like coffee brewing early in the morning.

Miley is saying something to me. She's crying and whimpering. I can't make it out. My ears have failed me. Jake is trying to hug me. I push him away. I can't remember what you taste like. I keep hoping this is a sick joke. You'll come bouncing out of the closet with your brother laughing.

I can't remember your hands.

What was that book you were reading before you left?

I can't remember your favorite color.

The room is getting smaller and smaller. I'm Alice in Wonderland. I'm getting bigger and bigger. This lump in my throat is choking me. I long for your warmth. I long for your laugh, so deep and rich. My wedding ring is dull in the bright light.

Miley's little boy and girl are sitting down looking bored. We were going to have a kid. We always planned on having one someday. And now there's no little Lily Oliver junior running around with your shaggy hair or dark brown eyes. There's no little tot here to remind me of you. You have been erased from the earth and all that is burning inside of me in hate and deep sadness.

"Lily, I want you to know that I understand what you're going through. I'm only here to help. I'm very sorry."

I look up from the wood floor and see Robbie Ray looking old and grime. I frown and tell him to get away from me. _No one _understands what this feels like. How _dare _he compare his pain to mine. Oliver, Oliver baby! We had no time! We had three years. Death has taken you from me. It is a thief and I' am eternally bitter.

People are beginning to get up and talk about you now. Half of them met you once, at a cocktail party or some random meeting at work. They know nothing. Jake is talking now and I realize how much I want to hit someone. He keeps saying how you two were great friends. Well, I was your _best _friend.

Their asking me to say a few words. I shook my head. I'm sorry Ollie, but I can't. I will not be associated with these liars. I see your mother standing in the hallway. Her face has never looked so grey. Tears are pouring from her eyes and running down her cheeks. But she does not acknowledge them.

Suddenly, I'm hit with an overwhelming urge to cry. I quickly dash up the stairs just as another stranger tries to send his condolences. I take off my shoes and throw them in the corner. My face cringes and breaks. I can't hold it in any longer.

My face is red and it burns, hot tears rush rapidly down my face. My body aches and my breath is gone. I fall onto our bed and pull the covers to my nose. You're pillow still smells like your shampoo. The sheets are warm and I find one of your hairs lying there. I can't function or think.

I'm crying. I'm crying. I'm not making a sound. I put my hand over my mouth and shake. The sky is crying hard along with me. We miss you, more then anyone downstairs. We miss you like a flower would the sun.

You were my partner. My best friend. My husband… and you're dead.

The door opens and my head shoots up. Quickly I wipe the tears from my cheeks and sniff loudly.

"Oh."

It's Jackson.

"Sorry I didn't know you were up here."

He looks a little lost. He's only been to the house once. Nervously he scratches his ear and blushes.

"I'm sorry… I sort of interrupted your… moment alone?"

He looks to me for an answer. I'm too out of it and heavy with pain to even care.

"I should go then." He says walking backwards.

I don't move.

"And Lily?"

I give no indication that I'm listening.

"You did great down there."

I look at the rain fall and wait for the door to close. It does after he gives a weak unsure smile at me.

Silence is ringing loudly in my ears. I want to throw up. And you're not here.

….

That's the beginning or prolog or whatever. My school year is coming to a close so I'll be able to update a lot soon. I have like three days left. (WHOOP!) Until then, leave your thoughts.

Lazy Days


	2. Chapter 2

I sold the house. It's simple math really, what's the point of me living in a large house, built for a family. The young couple that bought it smiles too much. They have a newborn and are excited about the extra space. I haven't laughed and or smiled in three weeks.

I'm living on the couch in my small boutique store. I can't remember if it's Monday or Sunday. The lights are always off and the shades are pulled to. I keep listening to our old music. I run my fingers over all of our books and at night I'm holding your favorite green shirt close.

This is what I've been doing. This is all I have left.

My parents are begging me to come home and start over. But my house is right next to yours. If I got home I will see your brother, your sister and your parents. All of them have a striking resemblance to you. I can't.

Miley and Jake have come by once or twice, I can't remember that either. It's always a chore to have them around. Miley normally has this look of horror on her face when she sees me. And Jake stares dumbly at the floor.

My shop is going to go out of business if I don't reopen it and hire all my workers back. The bills keep coming in but I have neither the time nor energy to respond to them. It's as if I've spun down a long jagged spiral. I'm at rock bottom. I live here in the dark.

It's been a week now. I know this because Miley got me a calendar and marked certain dates down for me. My employees are demanding to work again. They have families to feed and houses to pay for. I reopen Lola's, the unique clothing store. Life starts up slowly. I'm spending more time on my couch in my office then really working.

It's Tuesday.

"Lily? Lily Where are you?"

I'm currently sitting on my desk looking over some of the old paper work.

"There you are!"

It's Fran, one of my most promising workers. We use to be good friends… now she annoys the hell out of me.

"Listen, we need to order more of the stripped hats. So I've called up Larry and he said it would be a little costly but I know we have the amount he's looking for. So, what do you think?"

I'm not really paying attention. I'm looking out the window at the small tree growing by the park.

"Lily?"

I turn and look at her. Fran's red hair looks nice today. She's wearing jeans and a blue shirt and a little tag in the upper left corner that says 'Lola's' and 'How may I help you.' I then look up at her eyes. She looks stressed and displeased at me.

"For the love of God Lily! Talk! Answer me!"

When did I become a dog? Talk! Answer! Sit Lily, good Lily.

"Fine then!" Fran leaves in a storm and slams the door behind her. Good radiance. Well, I shouldn't go that far. Fran would never leave. She's too loyal to the company. She'll be back tomorrow.

My head hurts I'm going to take a nap…

"Lily? Lily come get up."

It's Miley. She's smiling weakly at me and helping me sit.

"I think you should come and live with me and Jake. It's not good for you to be by yourself right now."

How the hell does she know what I need right now? I really don't understand people.

"Listen, Fran is going to take care of the store for a little while so you can recuperate, ok?"

I sigh and nod. It might be nice to sleep in an actual bed for once. I follow Miley out to the car and get in. Jake packs up my things and we leave. The car ride is silent. The day is cloudy but the sun is poking his head through the fog.

I was right, the bed is comfy. After Miley closes the door I can hear her telling the kids not to go in my room, or the guest room I should say. I tie my hair back and ready myself for a long dreamless sleep. Mummhumm… sounds wonderful.

"Well what are you going to do?"

"I don't know, ok? I just know she can't be alone right now! Damn it Jackson just try to understand!"

"What? Understand what?! How can you help her? You've got a husband and two kids not to mention a job to fulfill. When can you make time for her? Do you really think she needs to be around you guys right now?"

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that it's gotta be real hard for her getting up every day and seeing how perfectly _fine_ your life is. Everyday she has to wake up and see what she's lost."

It's weird hearing Jackson and Miley fight over what's best for me. I'm still just lying here in bed. It's now that I wonder: When is the last time I've bathed?

The water is nice and hot as soon as I slide into the tub. I sink into the bubbles and lavender fragrance of the soap and shampoo. I'm as calm as a person in my situation can be. The water swallows me and keeps me safe from the cold. But I do not smile. A frown is plastered permanently on my face.

There's a knock on the bathroom door. I don't answer. Another knock. I'm getting antsy. This was _my _moment to wallow in my self pity. Who dares disturb me?

"Lily I'm coming in."

It's Jackson.

He slowly twists the knob of the door and walks in. I look up at him and he freezes. I suppose he never thought I'd be naked in the bathroom.

"Well… uh. I'll just wait." He runs away.

I put my head under the water. It feels nice. My body is small and pruned. I flout in between time, life, and death. I consider the unthinkable. What would it be like to just stay here? What if I did not raise my head from the water?

During this contemplation it never accords to me that I can't breathe under here. My mind grows hazy. There's a mist forming and clouding my judgment, and I like it. I try laughing but only bubbles resurface to the top.

I can't lift my arm. I can't think. I can't breathe. Maybe I'm dieing. Is this what it's like? I lay my head on the very bottom of the tub and close my eyes. I'm done. Someone turns on the lights. I hear a shout from up above.

Warm hands grab me by my shoulders and pull me up. I take a deep breath in and cough recessively. Jackson is still holding me up. I look at him as I wiped the water and bubbles from my eyes and face. He looks scared and an unreadable expression has crossed his eyes.

"What the _hell _were you thinking?"

I stare at him. I've never seen Jackson look so fragile and uncertain, so vulnerable and frightened. I shake my head and shiver just as another cough erupts from me. Jackson lets his strong hold of me go and grabs a fluffy cream colored towel.

He wraps it tightly around me and helps me out of the tub. My hair is sticking to my cheeks and the back of my neck. It's longer then I remember. Then, Jackson does something he's never done before.

He hugs me. He pulls me in a big bear hug. I try shoving him off. I don't want to be held! Get off! Get off! I want to scream at him, but I can't remember how to talk. I squirm and fight him. But the harder I pull the harder he hugs. I give up.

After a moment he lets go and sits me down on the bed. He seats himself in the armchair across from me. We have a staring contest. He doesn't speak and neither do I. His brow in frowned giving him a very determined look.

"Lily?"

I pull the towel closer and try not to drip too much water on the bed.

"Say something Lily."

I don't want to look at him. I want to be left alone.

"Fine then, we won't talk." He says leaning back in the chair.

The air conditioning starts up again it rumbles and wines as it blasts cool air into the house. We hear someone charging up the stairs. They run down the hall to my room and the door swings open. Miley.

"Jackson." She warned, her eyes flashing.

He says nothing his eyes only watching me.

"Oh don't start! We need to talk! Please say something! I can't loose you too!" Miley cries. She bends her head down letting her hair create a curtain about her. I hear her sniffle.

Jackson looks mournfully at his sister and reaches over to take her hand. I get up, they quickly look to me, and I walk into the bathroom to change. As I closed the door I could hear Jackson let out a breath.

"Miley she needs to get out of here. This place is suffocating her."

"But where should she go? Your house?" Miley meant it as a joke but by the silence I knew Jackson was considering it. What really got me was that he didn't tell her what I tried to do in the tub.

After I come out of the bathroom, fully dressed, Jackson is waiting for me. Two bags are beside him and a satisfied smile on his sunburned face. He holds out his hand for me to take, but instead I grab my bags and walk out.

The car ride was nice. Once we were settled he put on the radio. A slow song was playing and a woman with a husky voice was singing a melancholy song in French. I close my eyes and let the words embrace me.

"What's she saying?"

I pause for a moment and take a deep, deep breath. "Le temps n'est rien. Mais le temps l'a enlevé. A jamais, à jamais je rappèlerai ce jour… it means 'Time is nothing. But time took him away. Forever, forever I'll remember that day.'"

Jackson smiles. "I think it sounds better in French… and Lily? It's good to hear you again."

I say nothing, but I see Jackson in a new light. Finally someone who has no answers, someone who will not pretend to understand me. Finally someone who hears me… Jackson's house is very small. There are two bedrooms, one bathroom and a kitchen/living area. I like it in an artsy making it on your own kind of way.

I spent most of the day staring. I stared at Jackson's small goldfish bowl where a small orange goldfish named Moe swam. I stared at the back of Jackson's head as he looked over a few documents; he owns a small restaurant downtown with Copper.

I was fine all day. I kept most of my pain ridden thoughts of death to myself. But when night crept up I felt myself loose whatever self confidence I had left. The other nights all alone I was kept awake with the heart wrenching thought of his death. I never really noticed how lonely it felt to be in a bed by oneself.

I pull the white sheets up to my chin and wait. I'm waiting for sleep, or something. I'm scared and so damn lonely. I keep reaching out thinking my hand with touch his hair or back. Oliver will turn over and wrap his arms around me and we'll fall asleep.

But there's only empty space. There's only darkness. And for the first time since the funeral I cry. I can't control myself anyone. Things are crashing and burning. My body is weak and I can't remember the last time I've eaten.

I suppose Jackson heard me moaning because the next thing I know arms are cradling me. He's not letting me go and I feel as though he's the only one holding me together. He is glue and I' am a failing art project. _Help me, help someone please!_

"Lily. Lily. Lily." He's whispering my name over and over like a father would to sooth his daughter. He is rocking me back and fourth as I drown in my tears. I'm shaking all over. I can't stop. My heat hurts and I want to tear it out.

"I want to _die_." I whimper miserably.

"No Lily, no." He says and it makes me weep harder.

"I c-can't s-stop." I sob into his shoulder.

"Then don't." Jackson whispers. "Take forever."

_Forever, forever. _

"I m-miss him so much." Words keep flowing from me. The lump that has been choking me, the one frozen in my throat is melting into my tears and pouring out.

"I know you do." He nods. "I know you do."

I find myself clinging to him madly. I need something, someone to hold on to. I'm at the edge and I need, so desperately need a hand to pull me on my feet. In the dark we cried. In the dark I missed him more then life itself. In the dark Jackson never let me go.

…..

Well there's the second chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

It's been four months. I'm keeping a journal and I've started attending a painting class. Mornings are an unacknowledged routine. I get up before Jackson and start making coffee. I read the lifestyles section and do the crossword puzzle. I leave the sports and sudoku section for Jackson.

Some days we talk others we're quiet. Normally it's left up to me. I decide what the morning conversational will be. I never use to like schedules and plans but now it's what I desperately cling to. I'm getting better, on a good day I'll cry only once.

"Morning Lily."

I nod.

"Sleep well?"

I shrug.

It's good enough for him. Jackson knows when to push me and understands when he needs to back off. But sometimes when we sit in silence I'll glance at him. He has this up most disconnect look about him. Sometimes when he looks my way I know he wishes I was the old me.

I see the way he cringes when I don't talk or pull away. I've made an unhealthy space in the back of my mind. I retreat to that place often. I stare off into space and remember the mornings of before. But I can't be angry at Jackson he's done so much for me. And I've grown to having him near me when my mind pulls me deep within itself. Jackson brings me back to reality.

"I should get my own place." I say this already knowing his response. I've tried dozens of times to get Jackson to kick me out. That, or help me find an apartment.

"Lily." His voice is stern. "We've been through this; I don't mind having you here."

"I know that, but I feel like… I'm putting you out or something. I mean don't men your age usually date and… and do other things?"

Jackson gives me an unreadable expression. "It's fine. I'm perfectly fine with how things are."

Liar! I want to point my finger at him and scream, Liar! Liar! But I don't. I know Jackson wants a "normal" life. He shouldn't have to baby sit me. I'm a grown woman! I'm the manager of my own clothing boutique. And I'm getting better, I keep telling myself that. Over and over, soon I'll be able to smile again hell maybe even laugh and not feel bad about it!

"Jackson." I can't help but sigh and rub my temples. "_Please, _you know I can't stay here forever. You and I both knew this day was coming. I'm good now; I don't need a big brother."

He seems frustrated with my answer and I can't understand why.

"Fine, if you really hate being here then sure whatever, I'll help you find a place." He frowns and straightens his tie.

"You're doing that wrong." I say taking a sip of my coffee.

"I've been tying my own ties since as long as I can remember Lily it's perfectly…" He stops and realizes that it is in fact wrong and smirks at me.

"I'll get it." I stand and walk over to him. I loosen the blue tie and refold it. Jackson looks at my fingers as they lop it all together, then he stares up at me from his seat.

"Ta-da." I say dryly.

"How did you learn that?" He asks running his hand down the silky fabric.

I'm suddenly hit with a familiar memory. Except the boy had brown hair and a black tie. I remember him laughing and kissing my hands as I tightened the tie. I remember what happiness felt like and I recall me laughing and the two of us kissing and kissing and…

"Lily?"

I shake my head.

"You looked miles and miles away."

"I was." I reply looking out the window.

Jackson nods and stands. "Do you want to go for a walk?"

"What about work?" I ask staring at him with no expression on my face.

"Screw work, you're important."

I would have laughed if we were on different circumstances. The old Lily would have punched him playfully in the shoulder and replied with a witty comment. But me, the chewed and bruised version of the old Lily, just daydreamed and felt worn out.

"I need to go to work. Fran is expecting me."

Jackson shrugged. "Whatever you want."

I suddenly felt a weird sensation lull over me. I wanted something, not a walk or funny saying I wanted… a hug? I felt a little cold and empty. What is today? _What is today?_... It's our anniversary.

I sink to my chair and put my hand over my mouth and close my eyes. I forgot our anniversary. I hate this! I _hate _this! Why can't I let him go? Why can't my heart just stop aching and crying out every two damn seconds?

"Hey what's wrong?" Jackson bends down and puts his hands on my knees and waits patiently for my answer.

"It's our anniversary."

"Oh." Jackson's face drops. We are silent. "Let's go."

"Go where?"

"Come on." He takes my hand and we are off! He leads me to the car and we drive off to wherever he's taking me. I let my head fall back on the head of the seat and stare at the roof of the car. It's gray, dark gray.

The car stops I lean forward and stare out the window.

"My home away from home!" Jackson says and quickly gets out.

I hesitate before firmly gripping the car door handle and popping the door open with a click. I follow Jackson.

"Where are we?"

Jackson smiles.

We are standing by a walkway that leads into the small wooded area. I don't see any sign of human life. There are no cars, no stores, or people, we are stranded. But Jackson keeps on smiling. I must admit the space is very beautiful. The morning sun is lighting the trees with soft warm colors of greenish orange.

I hear a creek running off rocks near by and I feel myself slowly calm down. I'm away from everything. I feel a tingle and I look at Jackson. He is sitting down on the large rock grinning.

"This is my sanctuary. I come here often."

I tilt my head to the side and frown. "Since when?"

"Since forever. I come here every once in a while to chill out. When Copper is pestering me about the restaurant or when Miley gets all bossy I come here to just… remember who I' am and what I'm doing. I remember why life is important. And no it's your turn." He finishes patting the tree stump next to him.

I walk over and sit down. Ok nature boy now what? I turn to him. I watch the sun glow happily in the sky and sigh. This isn't working.

"… Do you… uh do you want to talk about him?"

I feel a queer emotion hit my chest hard. I haven't spoken about him in ages.

I shake my head.

"I understand. No pressure, take your time." He reassures.

"…Wait. I would like… to… to talk about him" What the hell? What the _hell_? My mouth keeps spilling these things out.

"That's a start. What were you guys like?"

I swallow hard. "We were very happy." It's the hundredth time I've noticed how much I despise the word _were_. And why is Jackson so patient and… and oh what's a good word? Nice? No, he's always been nice. He's being so… good to me.

"Lily?"

"What?"

"It'll get better. I mean I know that's what everyone says but I know it will, it just has too. You're too great of a person. And it really hurts all of us to see you crumble in a million pieces."

I roll my eyes. Nobody gets it. I thought Jackson, of all people would.

"Don't roll your eyes. Lily, I'm going to do all I can to make sure you can get through each day. I believe we can bring you back."

I'm getting angry again. "Why do you have so much faith in me?! I don't understand these feelings myself Jackson! So how the hell are you going to help me?!"

He doesn't say anything for a moment and then he sighs and asks me, "Tell me more about him Lily."

I feel my throat closing up again. Suddenly this stupid tree truck is very uncomfortable and this, once cool October day, is hot and annoying. I don't want to talk! I want to crawl under a hole! But instead I spit out this:

"He loved this green shirt I bought him on his birthday. He loved the Chagall painting called 'Birthday.' He could never skateboard no matter how much I tried to teach him. And… and his favorite color was blue!" I remember! I remember! And now I'm tired. Jackson looks pleased.

"What are you thinking?"

I'm thinking about how different this day would have been if Ollie were here. We would have taken the day off and spent most of it in bed doing very naughty things. He would have made crappy pancakes and I would have read the paper out loud to us. It would have been beautiful. But instead I'm here with Jackson.

I don't tell Jackson this.

"I'm just mad and frustrated and sad and… and I want him back. Is that so bad? Am I allowed to hate God or whoever is up there?" I say this quickly and I feel tears pouring again. "And I HATE crying!"

Jackson closes his eyes for a second and then takes my hands and looks at me intently. "Lily-"

"Just shut up ok? Can we just sit and not say anything?"

And then there was silence.

I breathe deeply. "Ok, ok, ok." I say while letting the breath out. I think about Jackson for a spilt second. He's currently twiddling his thumbs and looking at his shoes. I suddenly have a question to ask him.

"Do you think he remembers me?

Jackson, without looking at me, replies. "Who could _ever_ forget you, Lily Truscott?"

And then is happens, as tears pour from my eyes, I smile. It is soft and quiet. I whisper a 'thank-you' to Jackson and he looks at me.

"It's so good to see that." He points to my lips. I touch them and keep smiling. It feels as though a door as been opened. A wall has been torn down. There are many more mountains to climb but one has been crossed. And for the very first time I feel hope rise in my chest and my heart is weightless.

I reach for Jackson's hand. He accepts in happily and holds it tight. I hear the creek water trickle. The air is cool now, it is crisp. And I'm smiling, _I'm smiling._

…..

Well there's chapter three. More is to come. I felt like I needed to speed things up. I really want to get into more romantic Lily/ Jackson time. Leave your thoughts.

Lazy Days


	4. Chapter 4

I'm putting on make-up. I'm beginning to care about my self image again. My face is looking a little pale but I can work with it. My eyes are a little red and there are lines under them. I haven't been sleeping that well.

I start with my old foundation. I push the creamy liquid out on my fingers and apply it to my forehead, my cheeks and around my nose. Next is the powder, I carefully wipe my face with it. Last is blush. I take a brush and quickly spread the pink around my cheekbone. Ok, ok not too bad.

I don't put any mascara on, too soon, I might have a minor breakdown and I don't want that black mess all over my face. I pull my hair back and into a ponytail. I adjust the dark blue top I'm wearing and tug at my jeans. Ok, ok I'm ready.

Jackson is up and making another strange concoction at the stove. Cooper is teaching him to cook. So far it's going good; we've had some delicious dinners. Who knew Jackson could be a great chief?

"Hey-oh." Jackson grins a goofy grin. He's use to seeing me in baggy jeans a sweatshirt. Not fitted tops and jeans.

"What?" I try playing it off coolly. "I just felt like it was time for me to start looking well… presentable."

"I never said anything." He says still smiling and turning back to the stove.

I like this. I feel ok. Not great but good enough for the moment. Jackson's making breakfast and I'm sitting here not worrying or being depressed. No, I'm sitting here being ok with the moment. It's ok.

"You ok?"

I look at Jackson and give a smile. It's weird but I find myself doing that more often. I feel a tug at the corners of my mouth whenever Jackson talks to me or asks me things. It's just so new and fresh.

"Miley called. She wants to know if we'll come to dinner tonight. She really misses you." He states while putting food on the table.

"I miss her too. We should go." I approve. It'll be good to get out. Basically my life revolves around work. I need a break. Jackson looks over all pleased and digs in to his plate and I follow in suit…

I must have suffered from a brain lapse earlier this morning. Miley's house? What?! Am I ready for all her questions and 'I'm so sorry' looks and smiles. No, not really. I tell Jackson this and he laughs.

"It's going to be fine. Remember you two are best friends."

I frown and fold my arms over me chest. Jackson pulls up into their driveway and shuts off the engine. We sit. I sigh and we get out.

Miley is happy to see us. She hugs me and I hug back without flinching. Katie and Henry smile at me and cling to my legs. I feel myself become light and a gentle whisper of happiness fills me.

"Whoa! You guys have gotten so big!" I exclaimed bending down next to the twins. They giggle at me and each other. Miley and Jake share a smile and walk over to greet Jackson. I ruffle Henry's hair and Katie asks me.

"Lily?"

"Yes?"

"Will you teach me to skateboard?"

I stare at her for a moment and Miley groans. "Come on Katie we've been through this!"

"But mom!" The small six year old whines stomping her foot. "I want to know! Lily gets to skate!"

How long has it been since I've went for a ride? I can not recall it. But I give Katie a wink. "I'll teach you kid-o. Has your mom ever told you when I would skate right into her living room?

The little girl laughs. "You did? In the house?"

I nod and I can hear Jackson chuckle from behind me. "Well I remember a certain time you skated right into me." He smirks.

I blush. "Well you should have gotten out of the way."

"You were going so fast! I couldn't have gotten out of the way even if I tired. I was doomed to be bruised by the skater blonde." He's being dramatic by putting his hand on his forehead and I feel something bubble up from my throat. I laugh. I laugh from the way Miley and Jake are looking at us strangely. I laugh from Jackson's face and I laugh because it feels so good.

Jackson smiles and looks as though he's accomplished something profound. Miley gets a little teary eyed while Jake holds her close and I, I keep on laughing. I'm crying because I'm laughing so hard.

All this time I've wasted. All these days that I have not smiled or laughed all wasted. I sit on the floor and hold my stomach. Jackson joins me and stutters something about how silly I look. But I'm too busy laughing and laughing and never stopping.

I'm sixteen again! I'm driving in Miley's new car! I'm putting on multicolored wigs and prancing around the V.I.P section of the party! I'm suddenly me again, but only for a moment. I suddenly remember what the old Lily felt like all the time. She was happy. She was energetic. She was amazing.

I'm laughing.

I stop and stare at the ceiling of Miley and Jake's house. Jackson is next to me and we are red faced with huge smiles plastered on our faces. The twines are looking at us with confused expressions and Miley is still giggling.

About five glasses of wine later I'm bubbly and excited. I'm talking and laughing and smiling. Miley is passing out seconds of this exquisite chicken dinner… thing. I'm eating a brownie and Jake is telling a lame story, I'm not listening.

I'm thinking about how wonderful it is to be here. I'm not being depressed and sure it might be the wine talking but I like this. And I'm going to hold on to it as long as I can. Jackson is sitting next to me and over so often he'll glance at me out of the corner of his eye. I know he's worried I might break at any moment. But I won't this time. I will only ponder on the good.

Jake finishes his story and Miley shakes her head. "That is the worst joke ever."

"I don't know Ryan I think their only paying you money to be in movies because you look good. Because, damn man, you have no funny bone."

I laugh at Jackson's comment and he winks at me. I feel a weird surge or tingle run down my spine. Humm? I gulp down another glass of wine and let the feeling go away. It's getting late and Miley mentions she should put the twins to bed.

I feel weird. Oh no, not here don't, don't. I beg deep down that I won't grow melancholy over this. Yes, Miley has all the things I wanted, the husband, the kids. But I won't let it get to me. I'm not mad at her, I'm not!

"I'm a little sleepy." I yawn.

"Well I wouldn't blame you." Jackson frowned. "How many glasses did you have?"

I giggle and hold up six fingers. Jackson sighs. I've never been good at controlling my drinking. I remember once at a party Oliver and I went to for 'Lola's' we got sloppy drunk and made-out in the parking lot. It was a fun night.

Jackson seats me on the couch and I fall onto the large green pillow. "I'm going to say goodnight to Miley. I'll be back in a minute." Jackson whispers to me. I nod and yawn again.

A little while later I hear Miley and Jackson walking downstairs talking.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Jackson says sounding defensive.

"Jackson, I'm not mad. I think what you've accomplished with her is great! I mean she laughed. Jackson she laughed! I've never seen her so happy and alive in so long. But I think you might be… well getting a little to close to her."

"I'm helping her out. You are too! I don't understand why when I'm doing something good for her you think I'm taking advantage of her." He snapped.

"I never said that. All I'm saying is tonight you looked at her differently. I saw you Jackson and I just… I just don't want Lily to get hurt. I love her, she's my best friend." Miley said mournfully.

"I know and I'm taking care of her. I love Lily like… a sister I would never do anything to hurt her Miles."

"Thank-you Jackson, thank-you for everything."

I can tell by the silence that their hugging. A second later I'm being scoped up into Jackson's arms he's holding me close, so close that I can smell his cologne. Ooh, I like it. I snuggle up to him I feel his heart beat quicken and I giggle.

I don't remember the car ride. The next thing I know I'm in bed and Jackson is pulling the covers over me.

"You know something?"

"What Lily?"

"I think you're pretty cool Jackson."

"Well thank-you Lily, you're pretty cool yourself."

I smirk and curl up into a ball on the bed. Jackson slowly begins to creep away. But suddenly I have a question. I snap my head up and ask him. "Hey Jackson?"

"What?" He answers softly.

"What do you think of me?"

It's quiet for a while. I'm not sure if he is looking at me or even in the same room as me. The house is all dark. I wait.

"I think… I think you're everything Lily."

I laugh. "You're silly. Goodnight." I say and then get comfortable on the bed. I hear him sigh and whisper, "Goodnight Lillian."

… Oh God my head. Ah my fucking head. Wine. Is. Bad. Alcohol is bad. Ah I hurt everywhere. Sluggishly I get out of bed. I sit up and look around. It's raining today. I scratch my head and slowly put each foot on the wooden floor. "Easy, easy." I tell myself.

"Morning sleepy head." Jackson snorts while peering up from the paper.

"I hate you." I say with my eyes closed and my hand on my forehead.

Jackson just laughs.

I open my eyes and find a seat. Jackson gives me coffee and checks his watch. It's a little funny how grown-up he is. I always thought Jackson would stay a little kid forever. But I guess I could say the same thing about me.

"Did I do anything stupid last night?"

"Nope. You were a charming young lady."

"Good, I normally ask dumb things when I'm out of it. I didn't ask any stupid questions or do any funny dances did I?"

Jackson looks at me with a serious face. "You dance funny dances?"

"On occasions." I say shuffling a giggle. I stop and stare off for a minute. I remember laughing last night. I remember everyone's happy faces but after that… nothing. Jackson looks a little grime over this but I let it go. Although he's been acting weird lately. Oh well.

"What are you planning on doing for your Saturday off?" I ask him.

"Nothing."

We listen to the rain hit the roof. I sip my coffee. I twirl a strand of my hair between two fingers. I turn to Jackson; he quickly looks down back at the paper. I watch as a blush creeps up his cheeks.

"Are you ok?"

He clears his throat. "Yeah uh yeah I'm good, you?"

I raise an eyebrow. "Sure." I say slowly.

"Hey Lily, I was thinking about what you said about the apartment and you know I think you're right maybe we could search for one today."

For an odd reason after he says this I feel my stomach drop. Did he not want me here anymore? Did I do something wrong? Sensing by my silence and the way my eyes looked dejected Jackson quickly added.

"Its not that you haven't been wonderful company it's just maybe Miley and you are right. Maybe it's time we all start over. And as you said you're doing fine, great even. I think it's time you get out there again, in the world."

I look at my hands and fidget with my fingers. I took my ring off a while ago. It's sitting in a box gathering dust. I miss having that ring there. That security, that treasured object that shows the world, that shows me: I' am loved, I' am wanted.

Oliver was my everything. Oliver died nine months ago. I can breathe easier now, I can smile and laugh. Everything is just starting to come back. And now Jackson is edging me to leave. But what if I like being here with him? What does that mean even? What do I think of Jackson? What is he to me? And what about Oliver? I find it strange how easy these feelings are progressing.

I'm confused and I don't even know why. Jackson's right, I should get out on my own. It's not that hard, I spent a good portion of my life living in a tiny apartment downtown. I loved that apartment it over looked an elementary school playground.

"Are you ok Lily?"

It's funny how fast my mind can change. How quickly it can turn in a completely different direction.

"I think so." I answer blinking. Jackson looks concerned.

"You don't have to leave." He says.

"What do you want from me?!" It surprises me how loud the question came out. "You say you want me to leave and now I don't have to leave, make up your mind Jackson! I mean gees. What do you want in life?"

The last question was random but I can tell by the way his eyes flash Jackson is not happy.

"I could ask you the same thing. What are _you_ looking for?"

I stop and glare at him I have a great come back, but instead I ask him. "Don't you want a normal life? One where you don't have to look after your sister's best friend. You need… a girlfriend or some kind of friend. I don't want to drag you down with me Jackson, I really care about you." I'm touching his arm. I'm rubbing it and smiling softly at him. I don't want him to hit rock bottom.

"Lily." His voice sounds funny, a little raspy and he's looking at my hand. "Lily I have a life. I have you. I've enjoyed having you here. I wouldn't have volunteered if I didn't don't you see?"

I shake my head. "But you seem different all of a sudden." I can tell I'm making him uncomfortable. He slides my hand off his arm and sits back in his chair. I feel kind of upset, almost as if I've been rejected in a way. This is all so strange.

"Lily, I'm just going through some things."

"Like what?"

"I… it's personal."

I laugh. "Jackson, are you kidding me? You've seen the best and worst of me. I've told you things I've never told Miley, you know my best friend."

Jackson groans, frustrated. "It's about you."

"What do you mean?" I question softly.

"I can't Lily, I can't tell you. It would ruin everything I've, we've worked for." He is not looking at me. And for once all I want is for him to look at me. I want to see his eyes. I need to understand. Maybe he can help me understand my own confusion.

I'm reaching for his hand. I don't know why but I want to feel his skin against mine. Maybe this is where our time together has led us! And it can go two opposite ways. Either Jackson takes my hand here and now and we seek happiness together. Or he turns me away and I find an apartment and we hardly talk to one another again. Both extreme but I need to know which of the two he's thinking.

I wait, I wait.

Jackson looks down.

I pull away.

Rain keeps pouring on the roof.

….

Annnnd we have chapter what? Four? Yes, yes it's four. I hope I'm not moving too fast for you guys. Leave your thoughts.

Lazy Days


	5. Chapter 5

My toenails and fingernails are painted lime green. I'm wearing an orange hat and Ottis Redding's 'Under the Boardwalk' is playing on the old record player I bought in a small music shop. I'm running my hands all over the walls, doors and windows of my brand new studio apartment.

There are two rooms. One is my kitchen/living room/bedroom and the second is a tiny bathroom. My small twin bed is placed in the far corner. I'm happy. My windows (there's two) over look the city and beyond that the ocean.

My home lives right across the street from 'Lola's' I walk to work every day. Life is how it should be for the moment. I haven't talked to Jackson much, but I'm going to forget about it. Miley and I are starting over; tonight we are going out to dinner. All is well. And _I'm happy._

I put my hair up. I look in the mirror and decide it looks stupid and then pull it back down. Up? Down? Red dress? Blue dress? Decisions, decisions! I decide on a green dress, it's sleeveless and has flowery designs on the hem. I look alright I suppose. The restaurant is crowed when we arrive.

Miley and I are seated at a table near a window. She looks so grown up and mother like in her modest red dress. I want to laugh, but I don't.

"So how's the apartment?"

"It's good." I reply.

Blah! I hate small talk, I tell Miley that. "This is stupid Miley. Come on you don't need to walk on egg shells around me anymore."

Miley blushes and plays with her wedding ring before really looking at me. "I know… so when are you going to teach Katie to skateboard? Because I'd rather just let her have at it then whining all the time." Miley smiled, finally relaxing.

I laugh out loud and I've never felt better. "I don't know, maybe next week when I get time off. I thought it was just a phased but if she's really serious about it let her stop by at my place and we'll go to a park."

She nods and I nod with her.

The evening plays out we talk about work, music, and life. But after a while Miley begins to fidget in her seat. I don't know why, I thought we'd been having a great time.

"What's up?" I ask her while taking a small sip of my cocktail.

"I… well I was going to show you this a while ago… but time got away from me and well Lily I was just so scared about talking with you…" Miley says before digging into her purse.

I stop her. "Why were you scared?"

"Because, I felt that if you and I sat down and actually talked about what happened I wouldn't be able to function. I had to be strong for my family and… and I neglected you Lily. I ignored your feelings."

I shake my head. "You did what you could. In the end Miles it was up to me to get back on the horse, to start over."

Miley quickly takes a white folded piece of paper out of her purse. Her unfolds it and hands it to me.

"I- I wrote you a song."

I hold the paper in my hands it's dated back months ago and it's written in frantic sloppy handwriting. I look to Miley and then back at the paper. She wrote me a song.

"You wrote me a song?" My voice is so soft that I can barely hear it.

"Yes… if you hate it I won't use it but-"

"No! I want it, I love it." I say cutting her off and smiling as I feel tears run down my cheeks.

And suddenly I don't care that we're in a public place or that we are two grown women. I hop out of my seat and hug Miley fiercely across the table. It's the first real hug we've had in what seems like forever. She pulls me to her and we laugh and cry as people stare at us.

"It's good to have you back." She whispers.

"It's good to be back."

Once we paid for the food Miley and I decide on taking a walk. Our heels click the sidewalk. A car drives by and I hear a couple laugh from an open window.

"So what's up with you and Jackson?"

I'm a little surprised by her question. I didn't think Jackson would tell her about our mini fight. I'm surprised but not upset, I'm happy I don't have to explain it.

"I uh I'm not sure." I answer kicking a rock.

"He really misses you. He won't come out and say it but I just know. Whatever happened? All I know is that you moved away and suddenly he stopped answering my calls."

I sigh. I'm going to have to be the one to tell her. This sucks.

"We kind of got into a fight." I watch Miley's eyes get huge and she opens to mouth to say something. I stop her by holding up my hand.

"It's not a big deal… well ok maybe or shit I don't know. All I know it that he wouldn't take my hand…" I look at my hands. "Their not ugly hands are they? I mean I don't understand! One minute he wants me around and the next it's like 'Well see ya Lily!'… It's just I got so use to seeing him in the morning you know? I got use to the crossword puzzles and sport sections… I guess…. I guess I…"

"Miss him." Miley finishes for me with a smile.

"Yeah." I whisper my breath forming clouds in the early winter night. I pull my red coat closer to me.

"Wow…" Miley laughs sitting down on a bench. "Who would have thought you would be falling for my goofy big brother."

"Hey, hey I never said I _liked him_ I only hinted that I missed him and…." I pause as a rush of realization hits me hard in the gut. "I like him."

I sit down with a thud and giggle. I like Jackson Stewart. "I, Lily Truscott, like Jackson Stewart." Talk about weird as hell.

Miley takes my hand and looks very serious for a moment. "I'm happy for you Lily. I think it's great that your loving again…but just don't rush into anything."

I smile and shake my head. "Believe me Miley; I would never rush into anything. Not after… well everything that's happened… I loved Oliver with my whole heart. I loved him so much and yes sometimes it still hurts, late in the night it hurts. But, I don't think he would want me to be unhappy. I believe that just like I believe we were very happy together. I'm ready to let it all go. I'll never forget him, no not _ever_ but I'm going to put him deep inside of me and then I'll be free. Free from all the pain that has been choking me. And now… now I can just live."

I finish my monolog and Miley is crying. I didn't mean to make her cry but she's smiling so it must be good, right?

"I'm so proud of you Lily. You've come so far. Thank-you." She whispers.

"For what?"

"For helping me, helping me come out of the dark."

We sit together for a long time. We close our eyes and listen to the city stir. The night air feels so good. I never want this to end. If only, if only Oliver was sitting next to us. Then we would be the Three Musketeers again. But somewhere in the back of my mind I can't help but think that he is here. If we remember him and love him then he will never be truly dead. And I believe this, with my whole being.

My apartment is dim when I get home. The sun is slowly peaking it's way out of the darkness and into my two windows. I throw my purse on the kitchen table and I stand alone for a minute. I laugh and run a finger through my hair. I put a record on and listen to Marc Cohn's voice flout, nice and easy, around the room. I hum along to 'Man of the World' with him.

I tap my foot and spin slowly. 'Round and 'round I go. My dress glides with me and my hair twirls in my face. I dance with no partner. It feels good, but I find myself thinking of Jackson. He, as he laughs at something I said long ago. Jackson dancing a funny dance just to make me smile when I was crying over a silly boy who stud me up. It's funny but I can't pin point when it was I fell in love with him.

It came so softly. So quietly.

Someone is knocking on my door.

"It's open!"

The door creaks open and Jackson stands before me, still in the doorway. He's looking at me shyly. I smile and wave him over. Jackson takes little baby steps to me then stops. His hands are deep in his pockets.

"Come closer." I say softly.

He shakes his head.

"Please." I beg a smile still playing at my lips.

He slides my way and stares. "Lily I… I just wanted to say that I feel a little stupid."

"You definitely know how to flatter me."

He laughs and I like the sound of it.

"I also want to say that I should have never let you move away."

I shrug. "I think I needed it. You were right I needed to get back out on my own feet again."

Jackson chews on the insides of his cheeks before responding. "I wanted you to find another place because… because I was having feelings towards you that weren't very brotherly. And I knew that if you stayed I would do something that would wreak everything."

"Like what?" I tease.

"Like kiss you." He blushes.

I feel every once past thought of being bitter and cold hearted drift far from me. My eyes are open and my heart is ready. My lips curl up into a genuine smile. I close the distance between us by embracing him.

Jackson puts his face on my neck. I can feel his chin and the very tip of him nose touch my cool skin. He's holding me close and I give in. I nuzzle and kiss his cheek. I feel a smile form on his lips and he kisses my neck.

It feels good to have someone's lips all for my own. I turn to him and kiss him fully and tenderly. He responds slowly. Jackson tastes so sweet and his hair is nice and thick. As we pull away he chuckles and I feel his hot breath on my face and shiver.

I turn and look to the windows again. The sun is up and its sleepy rays are spreading a thick orange glow around us. I feel warm and safe. The lights are not on but there is plenty of sunlight to make up for it. My arms are wrapped lazily around Jackson and his are the same around mine.

"In darkness we no longer stay." I say slowly… And for the first time all is good and well. I have faced death and now I'm ready for life. I'm ready for daylight…

_I want to be a man of the world  
Blood in my veins and a hurt in my heart  
Hide in the street with the noise and the dirt  
And the one still looking for a brand new start  
Oh I've been sleeping far too long  
Hiding out in a palace of gold  
Show me one thing before I'm gone  
It can't be bought it can't be sold  
Show me how to come alive  
Show me how to make you mine  
Cause if you'd only be my girl  
I could be a man of the world  
I could be a man of the world…_

_Marc Cohn 'Man of the World.'_

End

…..

Ok, I'm somewhat happy with the story. I still don't see what you guys say you see in my writings (I've always been told I wasn't good enough.) I'm perfectly fine with the ending. But, if you guys would like I have an idea for an epilog. If any of you are interested please say so and I'll write it up. Leave your thoughts. I appreciate everyone's input. Thank-you for being faithful readers. Have a lovely day…

Lazy Days


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